Capturing Life

We Will Come Running

2012-02-06T23:05:00.000-08:00

With the notable exception of the two nights I gave into peer pressure (regretfully) and let my daughter cry it out until my husband asked me "What do you WANT to do?" in response to my "What should we do?" as she cried and cried. I said "I want to go rock her to sleep!". "So do that!". Wiser words were never spoken. Yes, I went and rocked her to sleep that night and many many nights thereafter.

And what nights do I regret?

The ones where I spent an hour or more rocking her to sleep? No.

The two where I made her cry.

If I could change one thing in my 3.5 years of parenting, it would be those two nights.

Why?

Because it went against everything we believed as parents.

Because instead of teaching her to "know you won't come for every little thing" as some people advised, no, no, we want her to know we will come running if she needs us.

When she was a newborn, we wanted her to know that if she cried, we were on our way.

When she was six months old and cried, we wanted her to know we were running to see what she needed.

When she was one and called out 'Mama' in the middle of the night, we wanted her to know that we would wake up and get into her room for a hug and a snuggle and, yes, almost always a nurse.

When she was two and called out 'Mommy!' in the night, we wanted her to know we were coming...and again, almost always a nurse:)

She is 3.5 and just woke up on her floor where she decided to camp out on her 'spaceship bed' tonight. She cried out 'Mommy!' and I went in for a hug and moved her to her bed and stayed until she was asleep (this only took about 90 seconds:).

Why?

Because I want her to know I am here.

And why is that so important?

Because when she starts kindergarten and someone is unkind to her, we want her to know that we are here to talk to about it and give her hugs and tell her that she is our favorite girl and that she is a wonderful person.

Because when she is ten and isn't invited to a friend's birthday party, we want her to know that we are here to share in the hurt and disappointment.

Because when she is twelve and achieves a long worked for goal, we want her to know that we are here to celebrate, and celebrate we will!

Because when she is fourteen and tries alcohol or smoking or drugs, we want her to know we are here to talk to about all of those things and guide her into better decisions.

Because when she is seventeen and tells us she wants to go on the pill, we want her to know that we are here to walk through that with her.

Because when she is away at college and wakes us in the night with a phone call, we want her to know that we are here and awake in a flash just like now when we are right down the hall.

Because when she has her first baby, we want her to know that we are here for care and support and to say 'Trust yourself. Trust your baby. You've got this, and we are here to do what we can.'

So that's why we were okay with sleepless nights and feet in our faces and ribs and long nursing sessions in the middle of the night (yes, I kind of miss those - the feet in my face are here to stay for now;).

Because it all lays a foundation.

One that says "We are here. And we are running to meet you where you need us."

No one is missing

2011-10-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is for the linkup at Kelly's Korner.
I have a private family blog and rarely use this one but please comment/message me if you would like because I would LOVE to meet more one child moms - it feels so right for us but also unusual:)

We tried to get pregnant for two years before we finally did.
We always thought we would have three kids close together and still thought that even after our daughter was born. Then there was a shift sometime before she turned one - thankfully, my husband and I had that shift at the same time!:)

We started to talk about it and say "You know what? This is pretty great!"

The best way to describe it is that I don't feel like anyone is missing.
But I do wonder sometimes if we are robbing our daughter of something. I have a brother and always loved being a big sister from day one (we are 2.5 years apart).
My husband is an only child and loved that, but he also wants to make the right choice for all of us.
My mom reminds me that not all siblings get along - in fact it can be the worst relationship of your life. So we don't want to make a choice simply based on "Siblings are great!"

We are young. I'm only 28, and my husband is 27. So we have time to change our minds but really don't think we will:)

I love spending my days with my daughter and watch other moms get frazzled and have to split their time and I just don't know if I would be good at that. I get frazzled enough at times as it is!:)

Anyway I would love to meet some of you!!!

That's Not My God

2011-08-30T07:49:00.001-07:00

*This is a repeat of a note I wrote several months ago. The phrase has been playing in my head (and in some conversations) over and over this week, as I have seen shocking, appalling statements being made by people who I know and who claim to know the God that I know. So I feel the need to post this again, with a few additions in the "That's not my God" section.*

Some of you know my background better than others, some of you because you were there for a lot of it:)

I was raised in a home with Christian parents, and we went to church regularly.

I also went to a Christian school...a very strict, legalistic Christian school. Just telling it like it is...I'm aware that some people will be offended by that statement, but I am pretty big on telling the truth. Thankfully, my parents did not have the same legalistic viewpoints, so I was able to go to that school and hear these statements about the Bible and God and come home and talk them over with my parents and come to a different conclusion than what I was being told at school. As I got older, I was able to study things out for myself and go "Hmmm, not what I'm seeing in that passage in Scripture. Interesting."

A phrase I often repeated in high school was "That's not my God." Most often, it would be my response when someone would say (as strangely it was often said) "You're going to have to stand before God on Judgment Day and answer for all the things you've done wrong." And I would sit there and think (and occasionally say, if I was feeling overly sassy at the time) "I'm not sure what God you're talking about, but that's not my God."

Jay's and my journey of choosing to not attend a church service at this point in time is very much centered around that phrase: That's not my God.

There was too much happening in the church (at large, not just a specific church, though that was certainly the case as well) that we would sit there and say "That's not my God" about.

Things would be said from up front in a church service that we would say "That's not my God" about.

Things would be done by people in the church, in the name of God, that we would say "That's not my God" about.

And as new parents, we sat and looked at our precious, sleeping baby and said "I don't ever want her to know that other God. I want her to know the true God. I don't want there to be any confusion about who God is. Because that other God isn't my God."

I think (okay, I know:) our decision to not attend church services has caused confusion and concern for some people who know us.

So let me be clear: We made this decision, not because we don't care about God and the church, but because we love them so much. We don't want to be a part of something that misrepresents God's name and who he is, because we care too much about him and his reputation in the world.

We didn't step back from attending a church service out of apathy for God; we stepped back, because we could no longer stand to be a part of something that so grossly misrepresented our God.

Every time I see something in the news about a "church" protesting a soldier's funeral, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see some hatred towards homosexuals being spewed forth, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see people using their (so-called) power and authority in a local church to lord it over others and frankly abuse people, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear a pastor say "Well, we here at such-and-such local church are doing things so much better than those churches down the street" I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see someone use Scripture to support their unloving attitude towards others, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see a husband abuse a certain verse in Scripture as support for forcing his wife to submit to him, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see a parent twist Scripture to support the fact that they are keeping their children down and not allowing them the freedom to choose their own way in life, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I have an unloving thought towards someone, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone speak of God as someone who's watching over our shoulder just waiting for us to do something wrong so he can punish us, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone spew forth lies about how a natural disaster is God's judgment on a certain group of people, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone say that we need to work hard to be good so that God will be pleased with us and bless us, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear of someone who is afraid to stand up for what is right for fear of personal repercussions, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone speak as though the United States of America is God's chosen people and gift to the rest of the world, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone say "I'm afraid of where our country is going," I think "That's not my God."

Every time I have a fearful thought that something terrible will happen to someone I care about, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone saying that God would want us to burn another religious group's holy books, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone saying that a mosque has no place somewhere in our country, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear someone claiming that Christians should have religious freedom at the cost of all others having religious freedom, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I see someone using Scripture to support their bigoted views of their fellow human beings, I think "That's not my God."

Every time I hear of church "leaders" abusing their power, I think "That's not my God."

As time goes on, Jay and I are more and more sure that there aren't as many people who know our God, as claim to know our God.

And I say that with no happiness and no pride; I say it with deep sadness.

(And at the same time, we believe there are many more people who know our God, who are not in the evangelical churches we grew up in.)

I wish everyone could know the God I know.

I hope my daughter comes to know the God I know. And that is why we don't want to be a part of a group of people who so horribly misrepresent him to the rest of the world.

I don't want to misrepresent him, and I certainly don't want my child to have any confusion about who God is.

I want people to know my God, not this horrible caricature that others have made of him.

I'm Sorry

2011-08-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

I just read a book called Foreskin's Lament (could be the best book title ever) about a guy who grew up in an ultra-orthodox Jewish home. It's about his life in that culture but also how that affected his faith and life and thinking about God in his adult life.

When he says something overly neurotic, his wife says to him "Wow, they really did a number on you, didn't they?"

I felt a little pang every time I read that in the book, because I certainly could say that to some people I know and love.

And you know what? The God's honest truth is...that pisses me off.

It really makes me angry that "religious leaders" (and I use those quotes very, very intentionally) and others have done such a number on people I know and love.

It makes me really angry that they claim to represent God and then do things that are completely opposite of who my God is.

It makes me really angry that they have hurt people I love...and that they don't even care.

It makes me really angry that not only do they not care, they turn around and blame those people for being hurt by what they've done as though it's somehow the hurt person's fault.

It makes me really angry that these people continue to be in positions of leadership in churches.

It makes me really angry that there are some who know everything these "leaders" have done and yet they continue to consider them leaders and stay under their leadership.

It makes me really angry that people are so quick to believe what a church leader says, rather than finding out the whole story from everyone involved.

It makes me really angry when men in churches treat women as lesser beings.

It makes me really angry when women talk about how wonderful it is to submit to those men who treat them as lesser beings.

It makes me really angry when people are more concerned with following "God's calling" than taking care of their families.

And I don't think I'm wrong to be angry. I'm pretty sure my God is royally pissed off about those very same things.

So to anyone who has been hurt by people who are misrepresenting my God...whether it's because they said you have to act a certain way or dress a certain way, or whether they told you that the feelings you have for another person are wrong, or whether they made you to feel less than worthy, or whether they demeaned you, or whether they used their power to turn people against you, or whether they put down other religious groups, or whether they abused you...

I'm sorry.

Because that is NOT who my God is.

And I'm sorry that those of us who know the truth and know who he really is aren't doing more to stand up for you.

I'm sorry we didn't say "Enough!" to those people who were beating you down.

I'm sorry we didn't stand up for you sooner.

I'm sorry we didn't speak more truth into your lives and say "You are valuable. You are wonderful. There is nothing wrong with you."

I'm sorry we put up with bullshit from people in the church for so very long, so very quietly.

I am truly and deeply sorry.

Holly!

2011-06-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

This post is for Kelly's Korner's Show Us Your Singles:)

Holly is my best friend. We met as freshman in college, and one of the best things I can tell you about Holly is that she put up with my ridiculous homesickness and my inability to talk about anything other than my boyfriend "back home." She put up with all that crap and stuck by me and helped me get out of my homesickness rut.

She has the best laugh...and loves to laugh.

She is an incredibly brave and independent person -- straight out of college, she moved from Michigan (where all her family lives) to inner-city Philadelphia to do a year of ministry with an organization called Mission Year. She stayed on in Philadelphia after that year was up as well, working as a social worker.

She is now back in Michigan, closer to her family, living on her own, working as a social worker.

Holly loves movies...especially ones with Colin Firth, so if you're a Colin Firth look-a-like message me immediately!:)

Holly is a HUGE Michigan State fan, so Michigan fans...well, she might make an exception, but you'll have to be really, really great in every other way;)

Holly adores my 2 year old daughter and is passionate about the foster care system and adoptions...not just because she's a social worker by profession, but because she is an intensely compassionate and passionate person who wants the best for every single child.

Holly is very close with her family -- not only with her parents, brother and sister-in-law and her sister, but also with her grandparents and other extended family.

She loves U2, and I credit her with helping me to realize how amazing they are. She flew out to California (where we live) this summer to go to a U2 concert with us:)

As I've said, Holly lives in Michigan, but she loves to travel, so don't let that stop you if you live far from Michigan:)

I could go on and on and on and on and on...Holly is an absolutely amazing person, and I love her dearly.

E-mail me at c_squared_x2@yahoo.com or leave a comment here:)

Lake Tahoe

2011-01-20T15:57:00.001-08:00

Chicago

2011-01-19T21:16:00.000-08:00

How I met Jay

2010-04-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm doing this special blog post for Kelly's Korner "Share your Life" today:)

People ask "What was your first thought when you met your husband?" and my answer "Um, I thought 'Aw, look at the cute little kindergartner' because I was a mature first grader.":)

Jay and I went to the same elementary school/junior high/high school our entire lives -- it's very likely that I actually first saw him when I was 5, and he was 4, since I often went to children's programs at his church with some of my friends.
But we definitely knew each other when he was in kindergarten, and I was in first grade.

Our school was a really small Christian school, and every other year Jay and I would be in the same classroom, as there were 2 grades in each classroom.

He actually attended a different school for one year...the year we would have been together in junior high.

He came back, and we were in high school together.
We both started working on this teen center with a guy from Jay's church -- getting it started, volunteering, etc. So we started spending some time together outside of school as well.
In school, we started sitting together in classes and getting along pretty well.

Then one day, we had this fund-raising walk for the teen center, and we walked together the entire time, talking about life, what we wanted for our future, etc. I'm pretty sure I started falling in love that day, though I didn't realize it for a while:)

We became best friends, and I eventually realized I really liked this guy. Unfortunately, he liked someone else at the time -- and since I was his best friend, he would come to me for advice about this girl. Oh the agony:)

Finally, he moved on from her (they never dated or anything) and I told him that I had liked him during that time. He said "Do you still feel that way?" and I said "Sometimes, yeah" but it totally went over his head:)

A month later he asked me the same question, and I answered the exact same way, and he said "Well, me too!" and that was that:)

Everyone around us knew we were in love already, even though we had always protested with "No, we're just friends!" as he brought me flowers every single Wednesday:)

So we finally realized what everyone else already saw, and we started dating halfway through my senior year of high school.

I went away to college 6 hours away, while Jay finished his senior year of high school. We survived the long-distance relationship, and he joined me at college the next year.

We got engaged in December of our junior year (Jay finished college in 3 years, so he caught up to me at some point in there:) and were married the summer before our senior year.

We both worked a lot (almost full-time for me!) and went to school full-time that first semester after we were married, and it was great. We had such a smooth transition into marriage and were so happy to not have to say "Good night!" and go apart at the end of each night:)

We've now been married for 5 1/2 years, have moved 3 times, bought and sold a house, finished college, Jay has gotten a masters degree and is now getting his PhD, and we've had a baby! Whew!

He's still my best friend in the world, and I'm so grateful that I realized I was supposed to be with him!:)

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

Spring

2010-02-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

After the rain...

2010-02-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

2010-02-24T20:15:00.001-08:00

Nature

2010-01-15T00:34:00.001-08:00

Christmas Tree

2009-12-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

There it is...our Christmas tree. Ha! That's actually a picture I took of the Christmas tree in the Galleria in Dallas a few years ago:)

Our tree is much smaller...

I wrap silver ribbon around it, put little blue bows (since I decorate in blue and silver for Christmas/Hanukkah) and then put all the ornaments on. My mom always bought me and my brother an ornament every year, as well as buying a family ornament each year. When I got married, I got all of my ornaments:) I love putting them on the tree each year.
This year, we'll only have a very small tree, since our old one was getting a bit worn out. We got a little tree to put on a table this year instead, and it's not up yet:)

But here are some close-ups of the tree from previous years...

And here's a little tree I put out every year in addition to the big tree:)

My Little Zebra

2009-10-29T23:17:00.001-07:00

October

2009-10-25T23:30:00.001-07:00

Fisherman's Wharf

2009-10-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

2009-07-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

My Heart Outside My Body

2009-07-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

I take so many pictures of my daughter every day, that it's hard to choose a favorite, so I went with my favorite from today:)
This one makes me tear up, as my sweet 10 month old walks confidently and independently away from me...

But these two I love as well...seeing her face light up when she sees her daddy coming makes me fall in love with both of them all over again...

And the look of joy on his face, combined with them reaching for each other...priceless.

Close-Up

2009-06-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

Changing

2009-06-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

Summer in California

2009-06-24T21:23:00.001-07:00

Which One?

2009-06-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn Bridge

2009-06-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn

2009-06-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Which One?

2009-06-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

2009-04-06T22:31:00.001-07:00

2009-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

2009-03-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

2009-03-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

2009-03-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

2009-02-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

2009-02-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

2009-02-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

2009-02-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Beauty

2009-01-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

Dallas in January

2009-01-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

Hands

2008-12-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

Safe in Uncle Drew's Hands

2008-12-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

2008-11-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

2008-11-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

Boston

2008-11-25T22:10:00.001-08:00

Palm Tree

2008-11-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hydrangea

2008-11-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

California

2008-11-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

New Life

2008-11-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

2008-10-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

2008-10-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

2008-10-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

2008-10-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

2008-10-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

2008-10-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

2008-09-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

2008-09-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

2008-08-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

2008-08-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-08-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

2008-08-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

2008-07-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

2008-07-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

2008-07-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Girl

2008-07-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Before & After

2008-07-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Orchid

2008-07-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

2008-06-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

2008-06-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

2008-06-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

Elephant Seals

2008-05-31T17:57:00.000-07:00

2008-05-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

2008-05-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

2008-05-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

2008-05-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

2008-05-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

2008-05-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Pollen

2008-03-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

Spring

2008-03-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

2008-02-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

December in Wisconsin

2008-01-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

December in Texas

2007-12-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

2007-12-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

This is a ridiculously simple picture that I just love. I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's focused on the tree, and everything else is out of focus -- I'm always drawn to pictures like that, and our old camera could never quite take pictures like that. Or maybe it's the fact that there is a wedding picture of Jay and me in the background. I have no idea -- I just like it.

More Fun with Photoshop

2007-12-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Same but Different

2007-12-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

Photoshop

2007-12-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite picture from today...I was going to see what it looked like in black and white, but as I was dragging the saturation down in photoshop, this level caught my eye.

2007-12-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

New Camera

2007-12-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

Our new camera arrived on Friday -- I haven't had much chance to experiment with it yet, but I will! Here is one picture I've taken with it that I'm drawn to for some reason...which one do you like better?

Work in Progress

2007-12-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

This is the Cathedral of Saint John the Divine in New York City. The cornerstone was laid in 1892, and it was under construction until the 1990s. Then the scaffolding remained until the summer of 2007 -- we were there in March 2007. I love the beauty of it, and how in this picture you can see a tiny sliver of scaffolding...a sign that it was indeed a work in progress.

Agreement

2007-11-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

Since my mom and best friend had the same brilliant idea that I had been playing with this morning, I think it must be the way to go.

Here's the finished product...the best of both worlds...

Help

2007-11-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

There's something about this picture that I love -- I think it's the movement of the taxis. I haven't printed a large copy yet, because I can't decide if I like it in color or black and white better -- the color is nice, because the taxis really stand out. But I am always partial to black and white. Help me decide:

New York State of Mind

2007-11-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken in New York City in March of this year -- I saw this building through the trees and just knew it would be a beautiful black and white picture. It's one of my favorites.

Nahuli

2007-11-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

Nahuli is the Tagalog word for "capture." My husband is from the Philippines where Tagalog is spoken, so the name of this blog is a bit of a tribute to him and to my desire to celebrate life in all cultures.
My husband and I just ordered my fancy new toy -- a Nikon D40x camera with multiple lenses. I can't wait for it to arrive...in the meantime, please enjoy one of my favorites I've taken with our old Fuji.